Sick of racism

"Three weeks ago, something happened that completely upset me. I was walking past a playground in Utrecht where two Asian-looking girls were bullied because of their origin. I normally intervene in such situations, but I completely froze this time. Once I was home, I was very angry with myself: I let it get to me AGAIN. This, combined with the Black Lives Matter protests that are ongoing, made all the emotions come out that I had kept hidden for 20 years. Thanks to the increased awareness in Dutch society, I finally feel safe enough to share my story."

My story

The person speaking is Jaleesa Latupeirissa (27), a project employee at the Equality, Diversity & Inclusion (EDI) Office of Utrecht University:  "I'm from Delfzijl, a small city in the province of Groningen. My mother is Dutch and my father is Moluccan. Together with another boy, I was the only one with a darker toned skin in primary school.

That was a reason for my classmates to bully me and exclude me. If I wanted to play with them, I sometimes heard: ‘No, go pick rice.’ I was also pushed off a bridge once by a boy who called me a ‘cunt Chinese’ at the same time. These are some of the many examples. 

I was ashamed, and this resulted in me not having the courage to tell my parents that I was discriminated against and bullied. My parents of course noticed things, such as me coming home with a black eye. They then always stood up for me by going to the school and talking to the teachers. But I didn't succeed well in talking to them about my emotions, causing it to settle in my body. I eventually became sick; I couldn't keep anything down and vomited a lot. Because of this, I didn't go to school for a while. They examined me at the hospital, but they couldn't find anything. Eventually, it turned out to be caused by the tensions at school."

Consequences and impact 

"That does a lot with your self image as a child. At a young age, you cannot reflect well and asses the situation critically yet. I started to believe that white people are superior. This meant that I tried to behave like my white classmates and wanted to be white too. I even drafted a ‘contract’, that stated I would change my name to ‘Linda’. I also rejected everything that was Moluccan because, after all, my Moluccan background was the reason I was discriminated against and excluded. I experienced having double backgrounds as lonely back then, I never REALLY belonged anywhere. 

During my secondary-school and university years, I never talked about it. For a long time, I just carried on without thinking about that time again. My friends did notice I was a little distrustful towards others, but I also didn't realise why that was at the time. I also denied racism for a while and chose to adopt the naive, but comfortable, national self image of the 1990s: the tolerant, open and free-thinking Netherlands. 

My experiences with discrimination put me in fighting mode for years. I had to prove myself and I always had the feeling I had to do my best more during my studies and work. In my adult life, I also experienced racism sometimes. For instance, I was often selected for random checks at the airport. That was annoying, but it didn't affect me that much anymore. The most difficult part was that experiences from my childhood are coupled with the feeling of not being good enough, betraying my Moluccan origin and being unable to share my story."
 

My experiences with discrimination put me in fighting mode for years. I had to prove myself and I always had the feeling I had to do my best more during my studies and work.

Healing process

"During my Master's programme Intercultural Communication at Utrecht University, I really buried myself in Moluccan history for the first time. I wrote my thesis on ‘the’ Moluccan identity and held interviews with third-generation Moluccans. This process also resulted in beautiful conversations with my parents, for which I'm very grateful to them. After my Master's degree in ICC, I started working at Art.1 Central Netherlands, an expertise centre for equal treatment and a discrimination-complaints office. Besides that, I've been working for the EDI Office at Utrecht University since January. My work lets me contribute to the prevention of exclusion, racism and discrimination."

Hopeful future

"I'm relieved that I now finally dare to tell my story, and receive support and recognition from my direct environment for it. I was always afraid to share my story. And until three weeks ago, I was also never REALLY able to do that. I thought it was scary because I saw that other people who spoke out against racism were criticised. You also often hear that people accuse you of playing the victim. This accusation hurts me because I DO take everything from my own life. I just don't accept any injustice anymore. I was also afraid of the question: ‘But you’re not that dark at all?’ The difficult thing about racism is also that it often can't be proven, making it easy for people to call your story into question. But why are people then demonstrating against racism en masse and all over the world?

That gives me hope for the future. As writer and journalist Babah Tarawally argues in his book, we have to go beyond black-and-white thinking.  A polarised society is the last thing we need. We have to do this together. It can no longer be that people are kept back and disadvantaged over their skin tones in matters such as education or at housing and job markets. Most people will not be explicitly against diversity and inclusion, and knowingly discriminate. Still, our society is not built yet to actively improve equality. Measures and policy are needed for that. 
 

I'm convinced that improving equal opportunities starts in education. It's important that children are already taught about racism at a young age. That also means that teachers must develop their knowledge on this field. Because closing your eyes for our colonial past and how that shapes our contemporary society, is a conscious choice. Besides that, students should be more exposed to different – also non-western - perspectives. That's why the theme ‘Inclusive Curriculum’ is on the agenda of the EDI programme."