“Relationships are work, and not always fun”

Numbers from Statistics Netherlands (CBS) show that one in three married couples will have a divorce. That is why the Dutch Association of Family and Inheritance Lawyers Divorce Mediators (Dutch name: Nederlandse Vereniging van Familie- en erfrecht Advocaten Scheidingsmediators) request attention for this on Divorce Day in September every year. Catrin Finkenauer is a professor of Interdisciplinary Social Science and researches relationships, youth and messy divorces, among other things. We asked her some questions about divorces and relationships.

Why is the number of divorces on the rise?

“If you look at relationships in a historical context, a lot has changed. In the 1950s, you got married because that was the custom. It had and gave the man and woman a function. It was a time of moral obligation, in which partners did not have many choices and maintaining a relationship was ‘the proper thing to do’.

Due to societal changes such as equality, globalisation, more possibilities for communication, this ‘moral obligation’ changed into freedom and choice: the rights to be free and to choose. That also changed romantic relationships. This relationship is now one of many possibilities and there's always the ‘threat’ that there's a better one somewhere else. We have high expectations of it: a partner has to be a best friend, a source of inspiration, a base of support AND the sex has to be good.

We don't want to maintain a relationship that requires us to sacrifice something of ourselves. All of this translates into more divorces.”

Do people break up too quickly these days?

Finkenauer: “My motto is that relationships are work, and not always fun. Like human lives, relationships have various periods: good ones, but bad ones as well. Periods such as illness, or many obligations, and the question is how far you want to go in that. We are currently in a period in which freedom and the loss of moral obligations take up much space.

There have been more and more divorces since the 1960s, and the number of people who live alone is on the rise. The individualisation has increased enormously around the world, a lot revolves around independence: ‘I can do it by myself, I'm not dependent on others.’ The downside of that is that people no longer know that well how to ask for help, which applies to relationships as well. You have to work hard to maintain a relationship under these circumstances, especially when you're in a lesser period. Working hard means that you can't take the easy way out, that you should keep talking and shouldn't think you know the other person by now.”

Breaking up with care and respect: is that even possible?

“Forgiveness is very important in order to break up in a respectful way. Besides that, social networks play a role as well. One good predicting factor for the chances of success in a relationship is the degree in which both partners' social networks become interconnected. These networks ‘have to become’ unravelled again, because it's usually not possible to maintain a good relationship with both divorced partners.

If there are no children involved, this often goes well if both partners had their own social networks. If there are children, these networks play a very important role and they have to take care not to drive the partners apart or contribute to conflicts. If people from the network, such as grandparents, are supportive and don't speak about the ex-partner in a negative way, that plays an important role in the harmony.”

We don't want to maintain a relationship that requires us to sacrifice something of ourselves.

When does a divorce become messy?

“That varies greatly. People often have a ‘linear’ image of that: the divorce is filed, followed by fights about everything that comes with it. That image isn't always accurate. These days, people can often break up ‘as friends’. But that's often temporary. If a new partner and a new child come into the picture, things can go south after all. But we actually know very little about that path. We want to research that further. We also know very little about the role that social norms play. Until the turn of the century, for instance, it was unusual that fathers filed for custody after the divorce and everything about children was the mother's task. That's clearly changing, such as with the current discussion about paternity leave.”
 

Dynamics of Youth

In dealing with social problems, you need to start with the children. Utrecht University invests in resilient youth. Within the research theme Dynamics of Youth, scientists from all fields of expertise work together in order to better understand child development. How can we help young people to grow and thrive in our rapidly changing society?